The first test: dinner

Today I successfully completed the first test of being on holiday on your own for the first time: I made myself dinner. Now, I’m not a complete newbie in the kitchen, I’ve been learning how to cook for the last year, but preparing food is still far from natural to me. And now I suddenly have to measure everything for one, instead of four mouths.

But I did it! It was not too much, not too little, not burned or overdone or half-raw. I’m quite proud of myself, so to celebrate I’m watching series and eating biscuits now.

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Daily Draw – Four of Wands

Four of Wands - Shadowscapes

Four of Wands – Shadowscapes Tarot

This card is about celebrating early successes, about harmony and peace. It also says that prosperity has to be maintained, you have to work to keep the good things.

“Today it is important for you to enjoy your little successes. You’re reading tarot again, you are trying to find a balance between making yourself useful in your free time and doing nothing, you are making an effort to think positively about some things that are still freaking you out. Look at the roses on this card, how beautiful they bloom because of the work you are doing. And look at the deer, how happy and wild and free they are! Today, be those deer. Jump high, dance with the faeries, be free. Just give your roses some time too, today, because without you they will perish.”

My voice

I have always liked writing. Both the creating of a story and the physical act of writing down the words on a paper trigger something inside of me, make me feel happy and whole. But often when I write, I feel like there is something missing. I cannot transcript my feelings, my emotions, my intonation. In the end, it is just words on paper and some days, that’s not enough. What I want to do is speak to you, not by the pixels on your screen, but by the sound in you headphones. I want you to hear me say what I have to say the way I want it heard, not the way it looks like on screen.

I’ve always liked movies and tv-shows that feature a voice-over at some point, introducing the story or ending it, or keeping it all together.
If only I had the nerve.

It’s eating me from inside

I feel so alone.
I feel different. I am different.

I am so, so in need of a way to express this hollow feeling inside of me.

 

It’s being homesick for somewhere I’ve never been.
It’s a song stuck in my head.
It’s a blank paper, waiting for my pencil but I seem unable to draw a line.

It’s wanting to cry, but the tears don’t come.
It’s wanting to create, but nothing comes.

It’s aching for active, but being stuck in passive.

I am so afraid.
I am so afraid.
Why am I so afraid?


Adele, 25, entire album

Haircut & more

I just remembered that the last blog I posted was on April 8th, which is almost a month ago. Shame on you, Rae. I tried coming up with something interesting but it’s saturday afternoon and I’m lazy and you know…

So a little life-update it is.
❀I just got my hair cut by my lovely mom and I love it. It’s so light and straight and it falls nice and I love it love it love it.
❀The last book in Maggie Stiefvater’s Raven Cycle was released on april 28th and I HAVE IT IN MY HANDS! They sold the original american version online and I couldn’t wait for some local bookshop to get it on the shelves. (Problem 1: all physical bookshops are disappearing, which is sad. Problem 2: the ones left have an inventory that makes me sad as well, and it takes forever to order something.) Anyway I have it and so far I love it. I’m kind of split between wanting to finish it and not wanting for it to end.
❀I am once again wondering if I want to switch to Dutch on my blog. It is the language I grew up with and I love it. I also like English a lot and it’s advantage is that it reaches so many more people, but I still struggle with it and I am sometimes troubled by the ease with which most Dutch people set aside their own language in favor of the other persons’. I don’t know. I’m rambling, I think.
❀I haven’t touched a tarot deck in two or three weeks I think, which I don’t like.
❀I have a cat sitting next to me, which I like.
❀I have another free day tomorrow because it’s sunday and weeeh free days!
❀This sudden admiration of free days is caused by the idea that I have to work the whole day next week on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, which I’m not looking forward to. It may sound weak or something, but three 9-hour workdays in line is a lot, for me. I won’t be nice company when I get home Wednesday…

I don’t really know what else to say, I just wanted to get something out there.

It is back!

It is back! My laptop has returned from the dead! It took a week of drying, being screwed-open and some baterry-removing, but it’s back now. So far the only itchy point is that my spacebar is somewhat sticky. It feels heavier, somehow, than the other keys. But that’s all on me, I’d say.

I’m just glad it works again. I hadn’t really noticed how much I actually do on my laptop until it didn’t function anymore.

A caring friend

Today was both a quite good and a very bad day.

The good part was the weather: after a gray and drizzly morning it got sunny and warm in the afternoon. I sat outside with my mom and we were both reading and we even had icecreams that were left over from last year.
The bad part was that I tipped over my teamug on top of my laptop (most went on my desk, luckily) and that I have no idea if it will survive this incident. Also, my recurring mental struggles were very presant today, casting a shadow over the warm sun.

This leads me to the end of the day. I have opened my laptop and put it upside down with a towel in it and dried ad good as I could with cotton earbuds. It’s not soaked, so I have hopes for its recovery.
After doing what I could for my laptop, I went back outside and texted with a friend. We talked for a bit about my laptop and computers in general and then I told him about my mental struggles and how bad I felt. He was nice, understood what I felt and really talked about it with me, asking questions and being genuinly interested in general. Gid, I needed that. I feel like I am being ignored so often when I talk to people about how I feel, there is always something more important, that it means a lot to me when someone actually listens. He also had some advice that I can actually use, I hope, and after that and some crying I felt so relieved. Like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

Here is a piece of advice, guys. When you feel terrible, find a friend or a stranger who listens to you. Not your parents, because it’s their job to care about you (and in my case I will always be the one they don’t have to worry about as much as my brother, and although I don’t blame them for that, it makes things different). Find someone who cares about you because of you.