Must Not Fail
What is the one thing at which you are the most afraid of failing?
I am afraid of many things. I am afraid of the dark, I am afraid of people, I am afraid of what I can not yet wrap my head around. I am a quite frightfull person, I’m afraid. And when I look at what I just wrote, it appears to me that mostly I am afraid of the unknown. If it is dark and I can’t see what is around me, I am afraid. If someone comes up to me and I do not know what they want, I am afraid. If I launch myself into a situation that I can not oversee, of which I do not really know what is awaiting me, I am afraid.
For instance, some time ago one of my best friends asked me to come with him and his family to Spain for two weeks in October, because they had a spare bed and I haven’t been in foreign country’s much. I said yes.
And now, a few weeks to departure, I keep getting afraid. I keep telling myself that it will be amazing, because it is beautiful over there and my friend is very nice and we will have a great time, but nonetheless I am afraid. I keep making up reasons why it wouldn’t be nice and then, if I don’t stop myself, I start trembling all over and start wishing I never said yes.
I have been thinking about this a lot (obviously, can’t think of much else…) and I think all these reasons I think of why it wouldn’t be nice are just because I do not know what to expect, I do not know what it will be like, and that scares me. And because I am only human, my scared brain starts making up reasons why it wouldn’t be nice, making me regret my decision.
The thing at which I am most afraid to fail is developing myself. And this whole story about Spain is a very good example. Because I am afraid, it will be all the more amazing when we’re in Spain and when we get back, because I did it anyway. Because I’ve done something that scared the hell out of me, but did it anyway. I think if I do this, I will not only have a great holiday, but also conquer that scared part of me that just wants to hide under the blanket.
Over time, I have run away so often from something that I was afraid of, and I refuse to do so again. I refuse to fail this time. I want to develop myself and I will develop myself and if that scared me is afraid, let it be. I. Refuse. To. Fail.
I guess I will always be afraid of what I can not see, but I refuse to let that fear lead me away from developing myself, and I think this trip to Spain will be a very good start.
Wish me strength of will.