On doing nothing

I have some trouble with my moods lately. It goes up and down, happy to sad in an hours’ notice. The main problem is that I stress too much and that I can’t let go, but more on that later. The point today is something else. Today’s down-swing was about how useless I felt, how non-productive, in my time that I’m not at work. There are a million things I could be doing and of all those things I choose reading books (but only if they really interest me which isn’t often lately) and watching series online. It feels like I’m wasting my time.

But what I realised was this. I took a gap-year for a reason: I needed to ‘fill the well’, restore my energy-balance after fourteen years of school and hard work. I would like to be this super-intelligent and inspired person who’d immediately take on all kinds of interesting projects to fill the gap that school left, I would like to have a subject to obsess about that I can investigate on the internet and in books and anywhere else. But I’m not that person, and I don’t work like that. I need my time to rest, I need this time to fill the well and for me that doesn’t happen by doing things. That happens by reading books and watching series an occasionally, occasionally, doing something useful.

I have to stop feeling guilty about that. I work, I make money, that’s all that’s expected of me and all that I should expect of me. I don’t have to be an intelligent and inspired and investigating person right now. That’ll come next year, when I go back to school. Right now all I need to do is what I feel I need and if that’s watching series, that’s okay. I shouldn’t try to be someone I’m not.

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