The first test: dinner

Today I successfully completed the first test of being on holiday on your own for the first time: I made myself dinner. Now, I’m not a complete newbie in the kitchen, I’ve been learning how to cook for the last year, but preparing food is still far from natural to me. And now I suddenly have to measure everything for one, instead of four mouths.

But I did it! It was not too much, not too little, not burned or overdone or half-raw. I’m quite proud of myself, so to celebrate I’m watching series and eating biscuits now.

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It’s eating me from inside

I feel so alone.
I feel different. I am different.

I am so, so in need of a way to express this hollow feeling inside of me.


It’s being homesick for somewhere I’ve never been.
It’s a song stuck in my head.
It’s a blank paper, waiting for my pencil but I seem unable to draw a line.

It’s wanting to cry, but the tears don’t come.
It’s wanting to create, but nothing comes.

It’s aching for active, but being stuck in passive.

I am so afraid.
I am so afraid.
Why am I so afraid?

Adele, 25, entire album

Haircut & more

I just remembered that the last blog I posted was on April 8th, which is almost a month ago. Shame on you, Rae. I tried coming up with something interesting but it’s saturday afternoon and I’m lazy and you know…

So a little life-update it is.
❀I just got my hair cut by my lovely mom and I love it. It’s so light and straight and it falls nice and I love it love it love it.
❀The last book in Maggie Stiefvater’s Raven Cycle was released on april 28th and I HAVE IT IN MY HANDS! They sold the original american version online and I couldn’t wait for some local bookshop to get it on the shelves. (Problem 1: all physical bookshops are disappearing, which is sad. Problem 2: the ones left have an inventory that makes me sad as well, and it takes forever to order something.) Anyway I have it and so far I love it. I’m kind of split between wanting to finish it and not wanting for it to end.
❀I am once again wondering if I want to switch to Dutch on my blog. It is the language I grew up with and I love it. I also like English a lot and it’s advantage is that it reaches so many more people, but I still struggle with it and I am sometimes troubled by the ease with which most Dutch people set aside their own language in favor of the other persons’. I don’t know. I’m rambling, I think.
❀I haven’t touched a tarot deck in two or three weeks I think, which I don’t like.
❀I have a cat sitting next to me, which I like.
❀I have another free day tomorrow because it’s sunday and weeeh free days!
❀This sudden admiration of free days is caused by the idea that I have to work the whole day next week on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, which I’m not looking forward to. It may sound weak or something, but three 9-hour workdays in line is a lot, for me. I won’t be nice company when I get home Wednesday…

I don’t really know what else to say, I just wanted to get something out there.

It is back!

It is back! My laptop has returned from the dead! It took a week of drying, being screwed-open and some baterry-removing, but it’s back now. So far the only itchy point is that my spacebar is somewhat sticky. It feels heavier, somehow, than the other keys. But that’s all on me, I’d say.

I’m just glad it works again. I hadn’t really noticed how much I actually do on my laptop until it didn’t function anymore.

A caring friend

Today was both a quite good and a very bad day.

The good part was the weather: after a gray and drizzly morning it got sunny and warm in the afternoon. I sat outside with my mom and we were both reading and we even had icecreams that were left over from last year.
The bad part was that I tipped over my teamug on top of my laptop (most went on my desk, luckily) and that I have no idea if it will survive this incident. Also, my recurring mental struggles were very presant today, casting a shadow over the warm sun.

This leads me to the end of the day. I have opened my laptop and put it upside down with a towel in it and dried ad good as I could with cotton earbuds. It’s not soaked, so I have hopes for its recovery.
After doing what I could for my laptop, I went back outside and texted with a friend. We talked for a bit about my laptop and computers in general and then I told him about my mental struggles and how bad I felt. He was nice, understood what I felt and really talked about it with me, asking questions and being genuinly interested in general. Gid, I needed that. I feel like I am being ignored so often when I talk to people about how I feel, there is always something more important, that it means a lot to me when someone actually listens. He also had some advice that I can actually use, I hope, and after that and some crying I felt so relieved. Like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

Here is a piece of advice, guys. When you feel terrible, find a friend or a stranger who listens to you. Not your parents, because it’s their job to care about you (and in my case I will always be the one they don’t have to worry about as much as my brother, and although I don’t blame them for that, it makes things different). Find someone who cares about you because of you.

On doing nothing

I have some trouble with my moods lately. It goes up and down, happy to sad in an hours’ notice. The main problem is that I stress too much and that I can’t let go, but more on that later. The point today is something else. Today’s down-swing was about how useless I felt, how non-productive, in my time that I’m not at work. There are a million things I could be doing and of all those things I choose reading books (but only if they really interest me which isn’t often lately) and watching series online. It feels like I’m wasting my time.

But what I realised was this. I took a gap-year for a reason: I needed to ‘fill the well’, restore my energy-balance after fourteen years of school and hard work. I would like to be this super-intelligent and inspired person who’d immediately take on all kinds of interesting projects to fill the gap that school left, I would like to have a subject to obsess about that I can investigate on the internet and in books and anywhere else. But I’m not that person, and I don’t work like that. I need my time to rest, I need this time to fill the well and for me that doesn’t happen by doing things. That happens by reading books and watching series an occasionally, occasionally, doing something useful.

I have to stop feeling guilty about that. I work, I make money, that’s all that’s expected of me and all that I should expect of me. I don’t have to be an intelligent and inspired and investigating person right now. That’ll come next year, when I go back to school. Right now all I need to do is what I feel I need and if that’s watching series, that’s okay. I shouldn’t try to be someone I’m not.

Spain – Day Eleven

October 29th, 2015

Finally making some time to finish and upload yesterday’s and the day before yesterday’s blog.

It’s really weird to think that this is already our last whole day here. Tomorrow evening me and Hidden fly back to the Netherlands and our time in Spain is over…

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